#onebigtruth

Today I am doing something a little bit different on the blog.  99% of what I post on here is about the daily goings on in our family and just pictures of the kids.  Today I am going to share a little bit of my heart.  Not sure exactly why this touched me so much but I feel the need to share.  I am going to link up with a blog that I read.  Courtney DeFeo has a great blog and challenged her readers to think about one big truth that God has been teaching you lately or over your lifetime.  She wanted readers to think about a lie that we have told ourselves vs. the truth that is in God.  I have mulled over for several days what I could possibly say.  There has been so much God has been teaching me lately but here goes my attempt...

 I am a total control freak!!  There you go I admit it!!  I like for everything to be perfectly aligned and in order.  Everything must go according to my plan.  I will make sure there is a plan at all times and it is what works best for me.  I live and die by my schedule and calendar.  I am busy and my days are full - wife, mom, part time worker, friend.  To get it all done I have to be calculated.  If one thing gets out of whack, it sends me into a tail spin.  For most of my life I have been able to control this.  I could just schedule things and they would happen.  All is good when I am in control.  I mean I was even in control of my relationship with God.  I put Him on the calendar and made sure He got His time and I continued to do my thing.  I was a controlling mom - working hard to make sure my kids were involved in just enough things but not too much.  Making sure they were exposed to all the right things at all the right times in order for them to be perfect little children who love Jesus.

Totally in control of it all!!   Sure there were bumps along the way - babies born early who were sick or things that didn't happen in my time frame- but even in those things I was in control.  I could handle it and I could work to make things happen.

But over the last 4 months of my life I have learned...

I am totally not in control!!!  Really in truly there is nothing in my life that I control.  When we were faced with my dad's devastating cancer diagnosis, there was absolutely NOTHING that I could control.   There have been times over the last 4 months that I have felt out of control.  I have wanted to fix things and make it all go away.  I want to make a plan and for everything to be ok.  I want to have a timeline and a schedule.  But it doesn't work like that.

But you know what does work - God.  Over the past 4 months I have seen Him grow in huge ways in my life because I was not in control.  My controlling nature was limiting God.  He has become my rest and my help instead of myself (and my control and my schedule).  Over and over He has quietly reminded me "I've got this, Emily!"  I don't have to know how things are going to turn out because I am trusting in the One who does know.

Believe me this is not an easy thing!!  I still want to fix and work things out but I am having to chose to give up control.  It is such a freeing place to be.  It is right were God wants us.  Not in control but Him in control.  He is big enough I am not!  It is not just about what is going on with my dad.  I am free now as a wife and mom and friend and daughter because I am learning that I can't control those relationships.  He controls them.  Especially as a mom.  There is nothing that I in my controlling nature can do to make my children serve and follow Christ.  Only God can do that and once again He is reminding me "I've got it when it comes to your children.  They are mine."

The verse that He has given me over and over as I have struggled is John 16:33 - "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  This is Jesus speaking directly to me.  He promised it would be tough and I can't control that.  He has already taken care of it!!