Saturday, December 7, 2013

Once Again I'm Amazed (Could Also Be Titled "When Will I Learn")

This week was a really tough week for me.  I struggled with a lot of fear and worry.  I have never thought of myself as much of a worrier but over the last 6 months it has become part of my life.  When you go through tough times, I think it is just naturally something that you have to deal with.  It is not a bad thing unless you let it control you.  For the most part I have been able to turn my fear and worry over to God but this week was tough!

My dad went back out to MD Anderson for more tests and to try to figure out a plan.  I wasn't worried much before the week started but on Tuesday they did a scope and found a spot on his pancreas.  That was the point where the fear took over.  I am not sure why but it did.  I struggled for the next 2 days with the fear and worry.  I struggled to know why the fear was so bad this time.  I mean we have had lots of times to worry over the past 6 months so why was it so bad this time?  I think it is because for the past 6 weeks we have had hope.  When we got the good report on the last visit to MD Anderson, we received hope.  It has been so nice to live with some hope again.  I guess when the thought of having that hope taken away was what made the fear and worry so bad.  I questioned God a lot over the 2 days.  "Why would you give us hope to then just take it away?"  It was hard.  Then I felt bad for questioning God.  We aren't supposed to do that are we?

Well like always God provided me some really awesome answers.  We were studying Matthew 11 in BSF this week and that chapter begins with John the Baptist in prison.  He is sending questions to Jesus asking Him if He really was the Messiah or if there was another one coming.  This is the same John the Baptist that just a few chapters earlier had baptized Jesus and proclaimed Him as the Messiah.  Even John the Baptist who has grown up with Jesus and been with Him for years questioned Jesus.  Jesus did not criticize John or call him out.  He just patiently listened and answered.  Such a comfort to me to know that my questions for God were ok.  So for 2 days I poured out my heart and found comfort in God's answers.  He continued to confirm that He has got this situation and no matter what God will get the glory!!

Well, on Thursday afternoon we got the answers from the biopsy.  It was cancer free.  What a relief!!  So we still don't know what kind of cancer my dad has but we do know what it is not which is a very good thing.  We also found out that he has a genetic mutation that opens up many new treatment options.  Once again God confirmed what I knew - He's in control!  Why was I worried?  After all the amazing things He has done during the past 6 months you would think I would have learned this lesson.  I guess I am just slow.  Oh well.  I will just continue to be amazed by His goodness and mercies.

I love how Matthew 11 begins with questions from John the Baptist ends with one of my favorite verses. Matthew 11:28-30 -
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

So much comfort found in these verses.  I am going to try to rest in Him and allow Him to teach me.  Maybe that way I won't worry so much next time (maybe???).